It seems like I'm always redirecting my conversations back to my toddler. Yes, I am now one of those obnoxious parents who I hated in my 20s. The problem is, the kid is one of the few novel parts of my life that isn't meh (I'd talk about grad school more, for example, if I could figure out what the hell I'm doing exactly), as posed to the confortable parts of my life which are awesome yet boring fodder for others.
But I need a distraction from the excruciating back pain I'm in (20 extra lbs of pregnant belly and a low lying couch are apparently not a good combination), so I figured it was hight time for this post.
First, some background and a promise. Promise: this is not going to entail gross potty humor. It might end up humorous anyway, or horrifying, but probably not for whatever reason you'd first imagine. Background: I have been plagued by a shy bladder for as long as I can remember. Forget about doing #2 anywhere other than my own abode. That hardly ever happens, and that's even on road trips.
I can't remember ever going potty as a kindergartener. Sure, I was asked to take my turn on the potty on a regular basis, but I mostly just sat there for whatever appropriate amount of time it took not to be reprimanded about 'not trying'. It was a relief then, that in elementary school, the expectation was that if I ever wanted to use the bethroom, I surely knew how to ask. It also helped that this being Italy, school ran six days a week and maybe five hour tops until you hit high school. I can't count the times I'd run home from school and go straight to the bathroom, not even pausing to say hi to my mom. I mean, after a while, the woman must have realized she needn't take it personally.
Of course, as I got older it got complicated. For one, longer hours at school meant sprinting home was not an option. For the other, there is only so long I can hold my bladder hostage (depending on the amount of liquid ingested shortly beforehand, somewhere between 3-5 hours is my limit). So I kind of had to talk myself into maybe allowing the possibility that sometimes, you just have to go when the need arises, not when you deem it convenient.
The topic came up as recently as Sunday, as we went on a short day trip to Ocean Shores, on the peninsula, and during the 2+ hours of driving, I was a wee bit jealous of how the daughter got to wear diapers. Normally I'm fine for stretches of 6-8 hours driving without a stop, but a combination of having more needs to be hydrated, while my bladder is also being crushed from the inside (thanks, Little Boy Blue!) just made a rest stop an inevitability, one that I was somewhat resentful of.
Since we were in a car, I didn't share full details about 'the rules', because being enclosed in a metal implement on wheels is perhaps not the best time for someone to come to the realization that they married a whacko (hi, honey!). But then it dawned on me "have I ever shared this with people before? Because it'd be hilariously informative about the state of my psyche".
So if you're neurotic about shared bathroom spaces and its hidden dangers (there might be smelly tampons or discarded nuva rings lurking in the waste bin, the horror!), you have to come up with safety rules for visiting bathrooms that allow you to live with yourself and your decision to use this untested, unproven space.
Rule #1: Before giving in, investigate all the bathrooms in a given public area. This means that in a mall, school, or other common setting, you have to put in some leg work and visit ALL of the bathrooms, all of them. Then, and only then, you can start using the ones that are 'fit' for use. This grunt work was the basis for the rest of the rules.
Rule #2: Err on the side of the executive level bathrooms. They're gonna be maintained better. This means that if you work in a multi-floor high rise, you get to the executive floors of a corporation if possible. If you're in a university setting, shoot for either the Administration Building, or wherever guest/meeting rooms are. If you're in an elementary school without teachers' bathrooms, pray.
For example, my former classmates at good old UT may or may not have noticed I was very fond of ye olde Texas Student Union building. It wasn't the food, the location, or even the picturesque nooks perfect for reading. I mean, those things were nice too. The real goal was to get to the fourth floor bathrooms in the building, the ones a short walk from the presidential room (i.e., the meeting room where bog time guests/visitors were inevitably taken to for meetings). Those bathrooms were so clean that sometimes you might even be able to see your reflection on the marble floor. Mind, you, it was only the fourth floor restrooms (the second floor bathrooms were for those souls brave enough to be able to pee in an alley in daylight, as they might as well have). It was very rare to run into anyone under the age of 40 and/or not wearing a suit. This meant that those bathrooms were probably kept the most pristine looking outside of those in the actual admin building (see above).
Rule #3: If you have to use an alternate bathroom, always pick one where at least one stall is hidden from view. Chances are said stall will have been used a lot less than the other stalls, because when most people have to go and have a choice of stalls, chances are the visible ones are a shorter walk, and therefore the obvious target.
Rule #4: No matter how many times you've used a bathroom successfully as per the rules above, always take a quick look at the waste bins near the sinks. If they're overflowing with garbage, this is a sign that this is not the bathroom for you today. And yes, that might mean an extra trip to a different bathroom in the same building, or to a different building. Or better yet, holding it in if possible.
Rule #5: If your only choices for peeing are either while stopped for gas at a gas station, or on yourself, might as well choice the more sanitary option (hint: not the gas station). This goes double if you're driving through Houston (don't make me tell you why, you don't want to know). You could theoretically suck it up and stop for food at a McDonalds. Yes, even if you hate and despise McDonalds. If you must buy the food, make a beeline for the bathroom, throw it in the trash, and use their bathrooms. I won't tell.
So there you go. Even a neurotic person can overcome their reluctance to use public bathrooms, provided they stick to the rules.
If you have OCDs, however, you're probably never gonna be able to handle public bathrooms, rules or no rules. I guess the only logical choice would be to invest in a porta potty that can fit in the trunk of your car, assuming you can get past the experience of keeping it clean. Good luck.